Packing for cat owners

Packing basically sucks on multiple levels right? There’s the mind numbing tedium, the endless decisions about what you can part with leading to Gollum like hissings over items you haven’t touched in years (none of my friends will help me pack now even after I stopped doing the thing with the fish), and of course the inevitable bit where you realise that you’ve packed all the plates in a fit of efficiency and you aren’t actually moving for two weeks and now you have to live like a savage because you don’t know which box is which.

And then there’s cats. Packing with cats is a whole different beast and goes a little like this:

– Find an empty box

– Remove cat from box

– Repeat

-Shut cat out of room and block your ears against the unholy shrieking that can only come from a tortured banshee, a death metal band that have run out of coke, or a cat that thinks it’s missing out on something

– Put items in box

– Remove cat from box, close window

– Locate bubble wrap

– Unravel cat from bubble wrap, noting that stress relieving properties of bubble wrap diminish in correlation with severity of injuries inflicted by furious feline intent on creating stylish yet practical armour that will scare the shit out of Fluffykins next door during their next bitey skirmish.

– Throw as many items as possible into box, no longer caring what they are, whether you want them or whether they require any protection other than a fine layer of cat hair. Remove cat.

– Note absence of packing tape and coincidental strange banging noise from the kitchen

– Enter kitchen in time to see huge hole appear where there was once a cat flap. Gape in horror as the cat flees down the garden begarlanded with a packing tape neck adornment.

– Spend the next fifteen minutes attempting to coax your packing tape adorned, mocker of humanity down from a tree. Use any and all blandishments at your disposal. Momentarily turn away from the mountain of fish, meats, tinkly balls and cat treats around the tree trunk and realise cat and packing tape have vanished

– Sob softly

– Return to house. Remove cat and packing tape from box

– Abandon hope and drink wine. Do not attempt to explain to neighbours why you are lying drunk next to a kitty tree shrine, frantically popping bubble wrap and rocking back and forth wearing nothing but packing tape