So, swallowing my terror of mannequins, off I went to do my basic life support training because not doing your mandatory training makes baby jesus cry. Got there and the trainer noticed the limping and I explained I was fine but might not be able to do all the getting down on to the floor stuff with the dodgy ankle but that I really needed to do this training today on account of the weeping deities and all that.
Oh no, she says, you’ll have to go home, you won’t be able to do the practical stuff and I can’t certificate you (pah, you’re the only one who never has then!). I explained there was no other free date before my current certificate expired and that the new Virgin Care policy is that people with madatory training more than three minutes out of date are shot on sight (by jesus I assume). She cared not and said it would be impossible for me to do the training.
I then asked how people who can never get up and down from the floor are trained and she told me this never happens. I suggested that perhaps floor moves were a little much to expect from someone in a wheelchair for example and she glared at me and in scathing ‘you discriminatory bastard’ type tones explained to me that people in wheelchairs are perfectly capable of doing training…………yes that’s my fucking point!!! Could we not put aforementioned creepy puppet soul suckers onto a table for me to minister to, like you would for someone else!
Oh no she says, you have an injury therefore I can’t take the risk of having you in my training session in case it explodes and renders our health and safety policy invalid and the room untidy. I am woman of stone and I have no interest in your imminent demise at the hands of the almighty (Richard Branson in this case).
Faced with no other option I gave in and left…………then I slipped on a wet curb on my way out and went over on the bastard ankle again. Nutsacks 😦
*DISCLAIMER – Comments regarding Virgin Care policy and/or Richard Branson’s homicidal tendencies are entirely fabricated and bear no resemble to actual policies. Please don’t sue me